"Just Adopt!"
While on the rollercoaster of infertility for the last year and a half, and most especially these last two weeks waiting for my HCG beta test, these are a few thoughts that have passed my mind as to how I can get us to parenthood if fertility treatment doesn’t work…
Stealing a baby from the grocery store
Adoption via embryo adoption or donor eggs or international or domestic
Stalking pregnant high schoolers to see if they are considering adoption
My conclusion? There are no easy answers.
On the topic of adoption...
It makes me so mad when people just throw the phrase “why don’t you JUST adopt?” in our faces; Like they are the first people to ever have thought of that brilliant idea. While I understand that these comments are made entirely out of a loving place, the comments still rub me the wrong way. Because trust me, it’s not like adoption is something we haven’t considered and it is definitely something I have researched to death. Do you know what I learned after all that research? “Just adopt” doesn’t exist.
First off, adoption is so complicated and costly, sometimes it is more costly than going through fertility treatments and that in itself is no walk in the park financially.
Secondly every adoption involves loss.
Let’s talk about the loss that no one seems to consider--the loss that is seen on the part of the adoptive child. Children adopted from other countries, early on, often live with foster parents who are the only parental figures they will know before being taken and immersed into a whole new culture. Some would argue that these children will end up losing their identity, cultural history and those early relationships they’ve established back home.
Let’s now look at loss from the side of the prospective parents. Do something for me. Imagine a couple you know and love. Now imagine that they are infertile and are currently exploring their options. They have three choices: decide that they can live without children, explore fertility treatments, or choose to look into adoption. If the couple decides to solely adopt, they are essentially closing the door on having biological children. The couple will never get to experience pregnancy or childbirth. They will never have a child that will have daddy’s nose or mama’s eyes or those unique, quirky family characteristics that are especially wanted and treasured. Think about what a huge loss all of that is and dare to tell them that they are selfish if they choose to pursue fertility treatment first.
The desire to procreate, and more importantly, the desire to establish a family is one of the strongest biological drives we have as humans. To tell someone to throw all that away because it is easier for them to “just adopt” is completely asinine and totally insensitive!
I’ve had people say just those words to me. Some of them even came from family members. They tell me that I am selfish for wanting to have MY child when God may have decided that motherhood wasn’t for me. They made me feel like I am at fault for having a broken body. That my husband is also at fault just because he was born a balanced genetic carrier of a chromosomal translocation that makes it very difficult for us to get pregnant and to carry to term. They told me that I am crazy to be spending so much money just because I wanted to carry and give birth to my child.
Although I do agree that there are children who need loving homes, I must also point out that adoption is not a cure for infertility. An adoptive child must be loved and wanted for him/herself and not seen as a replacement for a biological child.
and for those who push the “there are so many needy, unwanted children in the world to adopt from,” point... Here is my response--an excerpt from a lovely article that explains why needy children are not the same as adoptable children:
“Needy children are not the same as adoptable children.
Read a newspaper on any given day, and it is obvious that there is no shortage of needy children. But that does not directly translate into an abundance of adoptable children. Some adoption experts, for example, discouraged the altruistic desire of some Americans to adopt orphaned Haitian children after the 2011 earthquake, arguing that these traumatized children most needed to receive aid within the communities they knew, in the care of extended families whom they loved, and vice versa. When well-meaning people wonder why people go to great lengths to have a biological child when there are so many children in need of a healthy, loving home, they are conflating two separate phenomena—the sadly commonplace reality of children who are desperately poor, neglected, orphaned, or abused, and the much less common situation of children who have been relinquished by their birth parents and are available for adoption through legitimate avenues.
In his book Pursuing Parenthood, theologian Paul Lauritzen identifies a “myth of unwanted children,” writing that “even to talk about ‘unwanted children’ may be misleading in situations where a woman is relinquishing a child not because she is unwilling to care for her child, but because she is unable to do so. . . . To speak about ‘unwanted children’ is to fail to take seriously what is perhaps the most compelling reason women relinquish children, namely, poverty.” The blurry line between “I don’t want my child” and “I can’t care for my child” raises some moral questions. There is potential for exploitation when desperate parents relinquish their children and better-off parents are looking for children to adopt. This is not to say that adoption is necessarily exploitative, but neither is adoption always a clear win-win solution for needy children and people who long to become parents.”
We can all agree that adoption is a phenomenal way to create a family. It is definitely an option we are actively looking into but it is not the right choice for everyone! And asking why a couple who is infertile, or those who are choosing to use assisted reproductive technology, why they don’t make the “easy” choice and “just adopt” is not helping!
Just like fertility treatments, adoption is a multifaceted and emotionally fraught process. The couple is faced with questions about why they want children, how they will raise them and whether they are equipped to be responsible for another life. These are questions that those who conceive naturally and who have no plans to adopt will never have to answer. They will never be left out in the cold, feeling like they are not enough. They will never be told they can't be parents just because they don’t make enough money, live in the right house, or have the right kind of jobs.
Imagine if, before you could have a child, a case worker had to come to your home, ask why you didn’t choose to adopt and proceed to poke around your living environment before deeming it worthy for a child. Imagine having to live by other people’s timelines and having to wait on pins and needles for months to years on end just hoping you will get chosen by someone to become parents. Not to mention that you’ve taken out several loans, spent tens of thousands of dollars at various agencies and still have no way of knowing what your child will look like, whether he or she is healthy and still a baby, and when he or she will finally become yours. Would you pass the home study? Haven you complentated all those questions? Could you handle the wait? Are you willing to put up so much money? Would you still choose to adopt?
There are people who do and they do it for the right reason. Not to save the world, but out of a desire to establish a family. They do it out of pure love.
Some people I know think that all the needy children of the world can be saved if all of us infertiles would just choose to adopt. But please remember that everyone has the capabilities to choose adoption should they feel the call. Those that are fertile can join in on this action too! Adoption does not need to fall only on the infertile. Why are we looked upon as being selfish for seeking to have the same experience of being able to create and carry our own children?
In conclusion, adoption is not as simple as merely picking the child you want and taking them home. There is no “just adopt.” So please stop saying it to those you love. It hurts. It be littles our pain, it makes us mad! It's none of your business and it's just plain ignorance.
P.S. Later, I will post an abbreviated version of an email I received from the loveliest person who became a mama through adoption. She shreds a realistic, relatiable light on the difficult process that is adoption. And yes, you guessed it, I met her on the internet.
