I'm not ready.
Last night I took my last active orange pill on my first ever birth control pack. Which means that our first IVF cycle is fast approaching and dare I say? It’s way too fast!
I can’t believe I’m actually saying that because it seems like we’ve been wading through an endless sea of doctor’s appointments, medical screening procedures and Olympic sized hurdles to get to this point.
Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to get this whole process over with because in the end, we will hopefully be blessed with a happy healthy child and that is something I am definitely very impatient for. However, despite the insane amount of research I have been doing and how many times I’ve wished for the months and days to pass so we can finally get started I fear I’ll never truly be ready for IVF and here’s why…
Money.
My insurance doesn’t cover IVF. I live in Georgia and unfortunately insurance carriers are not required to provide infertility coverage outside of what they call “diagnostic coverage”. Thankfully that covered a few of my larger medical procedures after we paid our deducible but for the most part, we are on our own. The good news is that we’re good savers and are lucky enough to be able to pull together pennies and dimes to do IVF. However, since I am not a gambler by nature, (putting $5 dollars on a black jack table makes my palms sweat) saying sayonara to our life savings and then some on a 30-40% chance of success makes me want to vomit. I can feel my ulcer growing back.
The shots.
While I am not at all scared of needles, I certainly do not welcome the thought of injecting myself with needles for weeks on end. What I’m most scared about is having all the crazy hormones wreaking havoc in my body. When I had oral surgery last December I freaked the oral surgeon out by telling him I just didn’t need to take the prescribe pain killers after the procedure. I’m not saying this to be tough or to say that I’m better than western medicine. I just simply do not like having any sort of medication in my body. Why? You know those side effects they place in the little pamphlet that come with your medication? My body sees that pamphlet and reads “here’s a list of the things that WILL happen to you as soon as this pill touches your lips.” The thought of having to face the side effects from all those injections terrifies me. Poor Shaun will need to be prepared for a hormonal mess.
I’m nervous about not producing any follicles but I’m also nervous about producing too many and getting ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). I have nightmares about my ovaries bursting and being hospitalized due to severe pain.
My biggest fear is having my seemingly healthy 27 years old body fail me and that we would have gone through all of this for nothing. I’ll be honest. I’m so scared for IVF to fail its almost crippling. I fear being left with a ravaged body, broken heart and a very empty bank account.
I know I’m supposed to be optimistic and full of hope and to trust in His plans for me and for the most part, I am hopeful and thankful that we can even afford this opportunity. But IVF is hard. Infertility is hard and sometime you lose the power to think in the positive.
The challenge for me is to let go.
I’ll never be ready for this. Who is really? But that’s the funny thing about infertility. Everything is literally out of your control. The only thing I can do is just to let go and trust. Trust that the doctors and nurses are doing everything they can to help us start our family. Trust that the medications will be kind to my body. Trust that my follicles will grow. Trust that the embryos will make it to day five for transfer. Trust that I don’t miscarry. Trust that all the pieces will line up perfectly, if not this time then the next. Really, I just need to learn to trust in His plans for us because giving up is not an option.
